EMDR & trauma therapy · specialism relational trauma
Relational Trauma:
After a relationship that made you feel small, you don’t change overnight
The relationship is over. But it doesn’t feel over.
You’re still carrying it with you. In the way you react when someone raises their voice. In how quickly you start to doubt yourself when faced with criticism. In how vigilant you are, even now that everything is safe. That’s what they call relational trauma. Not a single moment, but the impact a relationship has had on you over the years. And that’s inside you now.
Your nervous system hasn’t been able to process something fully. EMDR helps you to process it now, in a targeted way and without a long waiting list.
Free intake of approx. 20 minutes, with no obligation
You know something isn’t quite right
Functioning is not the same as living.
Relational trauma isn’t caused by a single major event. It arises from the cumulative effect a relationship has had on you over time. A partner who systematically belittled you. A relationship in which control or criticism became so commonplace that you thought it was your fault. A divorce that’s legally finalised but still affects you emotionally on a daily basis. After a relationship like that, you carry more than just memories.
You carry with you the beliefs that arose in a situation that felt unsafe
You might recognise this:
- You’re constantly on the lookout for what the other person is thinking or feeling, even now that the relationship is over.
- You tend to doubt yourself easily, even in situations where there’s no need to.
- You find it difficult to set boundaries, or you set them very strictly to protect yourself.
- You find yourself repeating patterns in new relationships that you don’t want.
- The divorce is legally finalised, but emotionally you’re still right in the thick of it.
- You’re worried about how the situation is affecting your children, and what they’re picking up on.
- You’ve been telling yourself for a long time that it wasn’t that bad, and now you’re starting to have doubts about that belief.
You’re not overreacting
These are signs that your nervous system hasn’t been able to process something.
Why it sticks
Why it doesn’t go away once the relationship is over
With a one-off traumatic event, there is a single moment, a memory, a ‘before’ and an ‘after’. With relational trauma, it’s different. The damage isn’t in a single incident, but in hundreds of small moments that together have built up your beliefs: I’m not good enough. I can’t trust anyone. I always have to be on my guard. Those beliefs once arose as a survival strategy in a relationship that was unsafe. They helped you keep functioning whilst you were being undermined, controlled or ignored. But now that relationship is over, these beliefs are still active. They cost you more than they bring you. You know that. But knowing is not the same as feeling. The nervous system pays no heed to what you understand rationally.
EMDR works on the specific memories that have shaped those beliefs. By reducing the emotional impact of those moments, your beliefs about yourself also change.
That explains the patterns, reactions and avoidance. You’re not overreacting, and you’re not weak either. These are signs that your nervous system hasn’t been able to process something properly.
And that is exactly what EMDR works on.
How it works
How EMDR works in cases of trauma
- 1Briefly activate the memoryIn a safe environment, we’ll briefly revisit a distressing memory. You don’t need to go into every detail.
- 2You are following a distracting stimulusAt the same time, using VR glasses or an online EMDR platform, you follow a movement with your eyes.
- 3Your brain processes it againThis causes the memory to be stored in a new way. The emotional impact diminishes.
- 4The memory touches you in a different wayIt doesn’t disappear, but it doesn’t affect you in the same way anymore. You get some breathing space again.
What this could mean for you
- You are less likely to be triggered by the presence or behaviour of the other person
- Negative beliefs about yourself cease to seem self-evident
- You’ll feel more at ease with how you handle the co-parenting dynamics
- You can get closer to your children without fear and wariness getting in the way
- You’ll spot patterns sooner, and have more scope to make different choices
For a single-incident trauma, an average of 3 to 8 sessions is required. In more complex or long-term situations, or if there is a history of trauma, more sessions may be needed. During the intake, we will discuss your situation and draw up a plan together.
Take the first step
An intake is free of charge and without obligation.
In around 20 minutes, we’ll discuss together whether EMDR is right for you.
Who is this for
Who is this suitable for?
You can contact Moms&More if you’d like to undergo EMDR for experiences in a relationship that have left their mark. You don’t need to have labelled the relationship as abusive or toxic. If you know that something has affected how you view yourself, that’s reason enough.
You are also welcome with:
Practical Information
How it works
Moms&More offers one-off sessions. There’s no set programme, and no long-term commitment that you have to commit to in full beforehand. Each session lasts 50 minutes. Online or in person, whichever suits you best.
We always start with a 20-minute intake. During this session, we’ll discuss whether EMDR is suitable for your situation and I’ll explain what you can expect. This intake is free of charge and there’s no obligation.
Reimbursement. Psychosocial therapy and EMDR may be (partially) reimbursed under your Dutch supplementary health insurance. This varies depending on your insurer and policy. Please check with your insurer to see if treatment at Moms&More is covered by your Dutch supplementary insurance.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ's about EMDR for relational trauma
A 50-minute session costs €97. Psychosocial therapy and EMDR are (partially) covered by many Dutch supplementary health insurance policies.
We can usually schedule the first session within 3 to 4 weeks. There is currently no long waiting list.
The intake is free of charge and there is no obligation. You decide for yourself if, and when, you want to start. This intake lasts approximately 20 minutes and can take place online or at the practice in Woerdense Verlaat.
It varies greatly. Relational trauma is often more complex than a single traumatic event, as it is made up of many memories. In most cases, we spend several sessions working on specific moments. During the intake, we will discuss your situation and draw up a plan together.
No. EMDR works even if you simply trigger the feeling or the image, without describing the details. You decide for yourself what you want to share.
Yes. Many people who come here have long convinced themselves that it wasn’t that bad. That doesn’t reflect how it has affected them. If you notice that something is still affecting how you function today, that’s reason enough to explore whether EMDR can help.
Yes. EMDR works on your memories and your response patterns. The fact that the other person is still in your life does not change what needs to be processed.
Yes. Online EMDR has been proven to be effective. We use eye movements via the screen. You will need a laptop or desktop computer with a camera and headphones, and a quiet environment. Most clients find there is no difference compared to an in-person session.
That is certainly possible and quite common. During the intake, we’ll work together to identify the issues at hand and decide where best to start.
Who you work with
Let me help you
My name is Nikolien Martina. I am a qualified and registered psychosocial therapist, specialising in trauma and EMDR.
Moms&More is my practice specifically for mothers. The women who come to the practice often genuinely believe that they are not good enough. Not as a partner, not as a mother, and sometimes not even as a person. That feeling didn’t just come out of the blue. It was instilled in them, within a relationship that systematically reinforced it.
I’m going straight to the source. No detours.
What others are saying
Stories from mothers who have gone before you
After my divorce, I thought I was further along than I actually was. On paper, everything had been sorted out, but deep down I remained tense, insecure and constantly preoccupied with my ex-partner. Through the EMDR sessions, I noticed that the emotional burden was lifting. I feel stronger, set clearer boundaries and let myself be far less affected by his behaviour. That brings peace of mind not only to me, but also to my children.
For years, I thought I was just too sensitive. It was only during the sessions that I realised how much of an impact a controlling relationship had had on my self-image. EMDR helped me to process painful memories and see myself in a different light.
You don’t have to do this on your own
You don’t have to carry this burden any longer
An intake is free of charge and without obligation. Together, we’ll assess whether EMDR is suitable for your situation and what you can expect.
Would you prefer to ask a question first? Send a WhatsApp message or get in touch.
May be (partially) covered by your Dutch supplementary health insurance