EMDR & trauma therapy · specialism unwanted childlessness
Childlessness:
You are experiencing grief that most people around you don’t see
Because there was no goodbye. Unwanted childlessness leaves its mark. In the way you look at pregnant women. In the way you react to a birth announcement. In the feeling that your body has let you down.
EMDR helps you come to terms with this, so that it no longer dictates your outlook on life.
A free intake of around 20 minutes, with no obligation
Mourning without a ritual
The grief for which the world has no name
There is no respite from the heartbreak of an unfulfilled desire to have children. There is no moment when the world stands still. Friends fall pregnant. Birth announcements arrive. Family gatherings revolve around babies and grandchildren. And you learn to cope, whilst deep down something continues to hurt and you just can’t seem to come to terms with it.
That is what happens when grief is not given a ritual.
- You react more strongly than you’d like to news about pregnancies or births.
- You avoid situations where children are the focus.
- You’ve stopped hoping, because the disappointment became too much.
- You carry a sense of guilt with you, even though you know it isn’t your fault.
- The IVF journey has left scars that go beyond the physical.
- You’ve decided to stop trying, but you’ve never really come to terms with the loss.
- You are now a mother through adoption or foster care, but the pain of your unfulfilled desire to have children is still there.
You are not overreacting.
Many women wait years before taking this seriously, even though it continues to be a burden.
Why it sticks
Why it doesn’t go away on its own
Grieving the loss of a dream of having children does not follow a straight path. There is no moment of closure, no ritual that helps, no clear end. This makes it difficult for the nervous system to process the experience as something that is over.
Especially when trauma is involved. A long IVF journey during which your body was examined, treated and let down time and time again. A miscarriage that was downplayed by those around you. Being told that a pregnancy could not go ahead. The brain registers these experiences as threatening. As unresolved.
That explains the startled reactions, the avoidance, and the intense emotions that surface when you least expect them. These are signs that something hasn’t yet been processed.
And that is exactly where EMDR comes in.
How it works
how EMDR works for childlessness
EMDR is not grief therapy in the traditional sense. It is a method that focuses on specific events that carry a heavy emotional burden and have remained unresolved. In cases of unwanted childlessness, these can be very different moments. The consultation with the gynaecologist. The negative pregnancy test after the fifth IVF attempt. The first time someone asked: ‘You don’t have any children yet?’
- 1You briefly activate the memoryIn a safe environment, we’ll briefly revisit the traumatic memory. You don’t need to go into every detail.
- 2You are following a distracting stimulusAt the same time, using VR glasses or an online EMDR platform, you follow a movement with your eyes.
- 3Your brain processes it againThis causes the memory to be stored in a new way. The emotional impact diminishes.
- 4The memory touches you in a different wayIt doesn’t disappear, but it doesn’t affect you in the same way anymore. You get some breathing space again.
What this could mean for you
- You react less automatically to triggers in your environment
- You can look ahead again without the past catching up with you
- Mourning becomes bearable
A single memory can sometimes take 3 to 5 sessions to process. If there are multiple experiences involved, such as a long IVF journey or repeated miscarriages, it will take longer. We will discuss your situation during the initial consultation.
Take the first step
An intake is free of charge and without obligation.
In around 20 minutes, we’ll discuss together whether EMDR is right for you.
Who is this for?
Who is this suitable for?
You can contact Moms&More if you would like to undergo EMDR for experiences related to unwanted childlessness, regardless of how long ago they occurred or how they unfolded.
If you know it’s still there, that’s reason enough to get started..
Practical Information
How it works
Moms&More offers one-off sessions. There’s no set programme and no long-term commitment that you have to commit to in full beforehand. A session lasts 50 minutes and costs €97. Online or in person, whichever suits you best.
We always start with a 20-minute intake. During this session, we’ll discuss whether EMDR is suitable for your situation and I’ll explain what you can expect. This consultation is free of charge and there’s no obligation.
Reimbursement. Psychosocial therapy and EMDR may be (partially) reimbursed under your Dutch supplementary health insurance. This varies depending on your insurer and policy. Please check with your insurer to see if treatment at Moms&More is covered by your Dutch supplementary insurance.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ's about EMDR for childlessness
A 50-minute session costs €97. Psychosocial therapy and EMDR are (partially) covered by many supplementary health insurance policies.
We can usually schedule the first session within 3 to 4 weeks. There is currently no long waiting list.
The intake is free of charge and there is no obligation. You decide for yourself if, and when, you want to start. This consultation lasts approximately 20 minutes and can take place online or at the practice in Woerdense Verlaat.
It depends on the situation. A single issue may require 3 to 5 sessions. If there are multiple factors involved, such as a long IVF journey or recurrent miscarriages, it will take longer. We will discuss your situation during the initial consultation.
Yes. Online EMDR has been proven to be effective. We use eye movements via the screen. You will need a laptop or desktop computer with a camera and headphones, and a quiet environment. Most clients find there is no difference compared to an in-person session.
Psychosocial therapy and EMDR may be (partially) covered by your Dutch supplementary health insurance. This varies by insurer. Please check with your insurer to see if treatment at Moms&More is covered under your Dutch supplementary insurance.
No. EMDR works by triggering a memory. You don’t have to reconstruct anything in full. You decide for yourself what you want to share.
Yes. You don’t need to have come to terms with the situation to start EMDR. We work on the memories that carry the most emotional weight, regardless of whether you know how to move forward. In fact, many women start EMDR precisely because they are stuck on a decision they cannot make.
Yes. The fact that you have become a mother in a different way does not mean that the pain of your unfulfilled desire to have children has gone away. The two things coexist. EMDR works on the experiences that still carry emotional weight, regardless of what your situation is like now.
Grief therapy works through conversation, processing and finding meaning. EMDR works via the nervous system. It focuses on specific memories that still carry emotional weight and helps your brain to store them differently. The two are not mutually exclusive, but EMDR goes more directly to the place where the memory is lodged.
That is certainly possible and quite common. During the initial consultation, we’ll work together to identify the issues at hand and decide where best to start.
Who you work with
Let me help you
My name is Nikolien Martina. I am a qualified and registered psychosocial therapist, specialising in trauma and EMDR.
I work with mothers and women on their journey to motherhood. Unwanted childlessness is one of the most common reasons why women come to Moms&More. I know how little space there often is to truly process that grief.
I get straight to the point, I’m direct, and I provide targeted support.
What others are saying
Stories from mothers who have gone before you
One friend after another fell pregnant. I just couldn’t bring myself to be happy for them. After working with Nikolien, I’ve really been able to come to terms with my unwanted childlessness and I now enjoy my role as Aunt Annelies.
Despite IVF, we weren’t able to have a child. This caused me a great deal of sadness. Thanks to EMDR, I’ve now been able to come to terms with it.
You don’t have to deal with this on your own any longer
Grief no longer has to wait to be acknowledged
An intake is free of charge and without obligation. We’ll discuss together whether EMDR is suitable for your situation.
Would you prefer to ask a question first? Send a WhatsApp-message of contact me.
May be (partially) covered by your Dutch supplementary health insurance