It’s in the middle of the night. I toss and turn, but can’t sleep. Even though I am so so tired. I am not able to let go.
Flashes of my to-do lists for my eyes and moments of getting lost in future worst-case scenarios keep me awake. And super restless.
I feel tense, frustrated, alert, and anxious.
Yet I am so desperate to sleep, to relax, to let go.
But I can’t…
Not able to relax
Not being able to let go, lean back, and relax has been a thing for most of my life.
I’ve always felt insecure, not good enough, and small.
So I felt I had to work very hard to prove myself.
And in a way make up for what I lacked.
So people wouldn’t find out that I was an imposter, and not capable, smart, or successful enough.
And to be heard and seen.
To be respected, validated, approved, and loved.
Since I was a little girl, I have been diligent, loyal, and a high-achiever to prove my worthiness, and that I belong.
I was so afraid of what others thought of me that I lost myself.
And being 24/7 in work mode became a habit.
It gave me control and a sense of safety.
And also a badge of good honor.
I believed I had to earn sleep, rest, relaxation, and fun.
Otherwise, I would fail, was to blame, and I would feel guilty.
And so I waited for permission to let go.
Not knowing, that this permission has to come from myself, and not others.
So I waited for a long time.
Flirting with burnout
Flirting with burnout because I was working all the time.
Nights, weekends, and even in my holidays.
Therefore, I was missing important moments with my husband, and kids.
Being glued to my phone.
Doing one more call.
Sending one more e-mail.
Always pushing myself for one more.
Not knowing, that you can’t give what you don’t have.
This has been my pattern for so many years.
Giving it my all.
But not able to receive.
Not daring to let go.
Afraid to ask for help.
And not trusting to trust.
Until I broke through these patterns of not being good enough. Of keeping myself small.
Of needing permission to let go. Of self-sabotage and fear. Of being in overdrive all the time.
I stopped chasing
I stopped chasing.
And I started to check-in with myself. And what I wanted. What I needed.
Not what I thought or felt others were expecting of me.
I was starting to allow myself to become who I had always been behind the ambition and the hustle:
Female, intuitive, connected, present, and creative.
Learning how to let this work together with my determined, no-nonsense, go-getting, high-achiever parts.
And feeling deeply good enough.
So I can both lean in and lean back.
So I don’t have to wait around for permission to sleep, relax, and enjoy my life.
So I am more whole and complete.
So I remember that this was not about becoming someone better, but finally allowing myself to become who I had always been.
And so I can help you do the same.
