Completely in panic, I run out of the castle into the dark winter night. My shoes sink deep into the snow. At the edge of the forest, I stand still and concentrate on my breathing. WTF just happened?
Just a moment before, I was sitting in the dining hall of a castle somewhere in the middle of nowhere in the Ardennes. With high ceilings and an interior that once exuded grandeur but now, if you looked closely, was slowly beginning to deteriorate.
Candles flickered and voices echoed through the hall. It was already late.
The Vortex
The day before, we had arrived for a weekend getaway with a group of my husband’s friends and entourage. And as always, there was a lush dinner. Wine flowed profusely and one course after another was served.
But as the evening turned to night, I began to feel less and less comfortable. The acoustics of the room were terrible. It reverberated and hissed, it clattered and echoed.
And then it happened.
The room began to spin. As if I were in the middle of a vortex. The room swirled and spun around me. I just saw the vibrations of sound, people, and things.
Completely overwhelmed and upset, I pushed back my chair and ran to the kitchen and out the back door into the darkness and silence.
To this day, I can only guess what happened next.
The best mediums
Not long before, I had been in a car accident and had suffered neck whiplash, which can have an effect on stimulus processing, and can also “switch on” your sixth sense.
Now I was always a sensitive type, and could experience and know more than could be explained at first sight, but something like this vortex I had never experienced before. I was switched on.
And I had to deal with this.
In order to understand how this worked for me and what I had to do with it so that I would not become overwhelmed, I took several courses with the best mediums in the world.
But what I missed was trust and faith. That what I was experiencing was real. That I wasn’t making it all up. That it was pure and accurate. And that I wasn’t vague, weird, and woo-woo. That this was my path.
And honestly, I struggled with that for an incredibly long time. I was super insecure.
Once, for example, I stood in front of a large group of people. I was taught for a long weekend by one of the most renowned teachers in the English “Harry Potter” school. One of the exercises was to stand in front of the group of fellow students, and give very detailed information about a deceased loved one of someone in that group.
Soon I was getting information through and it was clear and detailed. But I had to translate it into English. I translated it to nephew. But the receiver snarled: Ha wrong! It’s not right, it’s not my nephew but my cousin. And she laughed triumphantly.
And then I was done with it.
Performance pressure
With the performance
pressure, with the proving, with the insecurity and not feeling good enough, with competing who was the best (even though that was mostly all between my ears).
I stopped radically and for years I hardly did anything consciously with that sensitivity because it was more of a curse than a blessing.
But blood runs where it cannot go. If something is your purpose and destiny, you keep getting the invitation. Left or right it keeps knocking on your door.
So too with me.
In your own way
At some point, however, I realized that what I was trying to avoid was not so much the talents and gifts, but the way I deployed them and how I thought I should handle them, the rules, and how it was supposed to be done.
I realized that I could also start doing it my own way. Fun, playful, down-to-earth, gentle, discovering, and where I can make and laugh about mistakes. That I can wonder, feel grateful and I don’t have to prove anything.
And the load, heaviness, and pressure fell off in that moment.
And so now I open myself to what comes my way. I accept and embrace my being. And do things my way: authentic, down-to-earth, curious, and light.
Because…
Shee who ultimately follows her own path never gets lost.
Love,
Nikolien
